boot to the head
Ti Kwan Leep
Teacher: Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So: Aaaaaaooooommm......
Ed Gruberman: Uh, sir! Sir! (oo! oo!) Sir!
Teacher: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?
Ed Gruberman: Me! Ed Gruberman?
Teacher: E-Ed Gruberman?
Ed Gruberman: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin', but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take?
Teacher: Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.
Ed Gruberman: So like, what, an hour or so?
Teacher: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.
Ed Gruberman: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?
Teacher: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.
Ed Gruberman: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Hah woo yah ooomm!
Teacher: "Beat people up"...?
Ed Gruberman: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That's all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, eh?
Teacher: The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher.
Ed Gruberman: Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? Mel, the cook on "Alice".
Teacher: No, um...Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Aaaaoooommm...
Ed Gruberman: Listen, shrimp! All this fag talk is really starting to piss me off. Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wapin' the walls with you?
Teacher: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see.
Ed Gruberman: All right! Finally some action!
Teacher: Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
Ed Gruberman (drunkenly): Owww! You booted me in the head!
Teacher: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon.
Ed Gruberman (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head!
Teacher: Now we continue. Aaaaaoooommmm...
Ed Gruberman: Hey! Hey, I wasn't ready! Come and get me now shorty, huh? Come on, are ya chicken?
Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
Ed Gruberman (again, drunkenly): Oww! Okay, now I'm ready, okay, now, come on, try it now.
Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
Ed Gruberman: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?
Teacher: Now class, we shall return to our...
Student 2: Master?
Teacher: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.
Student 2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.
Teacher: What do you mean?
Student 2: I want to boot some head, too.
Teacher: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?
Student 2: Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one's opponent.
Teacher: Very good.
Student 2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!)
Teacher: You missed.
Student 2: Uh, yeah. Well...
Teacher: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson...
Student 2: You don't have to, you know. I-I gotta be going...
Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
Student 2 (agonizing pain): Oyyy oy oyyyy.... Oh....
Teacher: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?
Student 3: Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.
Teacher: You gain wisdom, child.
Student 3: So we'll hafta gang up on ya! Get 'im guys!
(Teacher throws many 'Boot to the head!s' and 'SH-ZOOMP!s'. There are many people groaning in pain.)
Teacher: And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation.
Unison: Aaaaaoooommm....
Teacher: Very good, class.